Let’s Talk about Trust
The topic of trust has shown up one form or another in every coaching relationship I’ve had. Whether it’s my client trying to build trust his team, gain trust from her manager, or to feel more trusting of a new colleague — the common theme is that everyone wants more of it. When I ask my clients how they view trust, two schools of thought have emerged over the years on the approach. I call them the “Givers” and the “Earners” as summarized below:
The Givers’ mindset is that trust is freely given upfront. They will give the other the benefit of the doubt, even if they don’t know the person at all. At the moment where the person does something that breaks their trust, however, it’s really hard to gain it back with the Givers. If ever.
For the Earners, they believe that trust has to be accumulated over time. Analogous to how a savings account works, everyone starts at a zero balance and each trustworthy action will increase the amount of trust with them. Earners tend to be more skeptical and slower to trust, but they are much more forgiving than Givers. They allow for small “withdrawals” from the trust account as long as the total amount remains net positive.
As humans, we inevitably will make mistakes. It is not surprising, then, that interpersonal conflict can arise when two people approach trust differently. How useful would it be if you knew exactly how to go about building trust with the other? The problem in professional relationships is that the initial conversation often starts with focusing on the “content” right away - e.g., identifying root causes, solving the pressing problem, or addressing tactical issues at hand. Rarely do I hear about two people taking the time to set up an explicit agreement on how they want to collaborate and work together prior to diving into work stuff, let alone find time to talk about trust.
Before your next work project or assignment takes off, set up a 30 to 60-minute meeting with your colleague, partner, or new boss. Here’s a suggested list of questions to explore in your initial conversation:
How do I go about building trust with you?
What is your communication style? How do I best communicate with you (in what ways and how often)?
What expectations do you have about your role/my role/our relationship? Are there any expectations that you would like to set up with me now before we start working together?
How do we support each other?
If we get into a conflict and/or disagreement, how would you like me to handle it with you?
What agreements can we make that would make our working relationship powerful and productive?
Remember that everyone is different. Your approach in working with one person may not always be effective with another. This is why having an initial conversation is the most direct and efficient way of building trust. The clearer you are when entering a relationship, the cleaner you’ll be with your communication moving forward.